Library

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".
That way, you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me .... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign".

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Ouch, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... ok ... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge ... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign?

Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool! - Eugene

Dear God: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane

Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? - Katy

Dear God: Thank You for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Alex

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. - Ryan

Dear God: If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. - John

Dear God: I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying. - Elliott

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. - George

Dear God: Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Michael

Dear God: If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. - Cathy

Dear God: We read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School, we learned that You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. - Courtney

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with me and my brother. - Larry

Dear God: It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell You who I am).

Dear God: I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know that I am not just saying this because You are God already. - Charles

NO WONDER GOD LOVES LITTLE CHILDREN !!

Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

Name the last five Heismann trophy winners.

Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor or actress.

Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another list. See how you do on this one:

List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The Lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with

the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

THEY ARE THE ONES WHO CARE !

Three ladies, 92, 94, and 96 years old, respectively,
all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one
foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her
friends, "Am I getting into the tub or out of the tub?"

The 94-year-old started up the stairs to help, then paused and
called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The youngest, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
said, "I guess I'll have to help them. I hope I never get that
forgetful!" and knocked on wood. She got up, then paused and
called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"

Growing older is mandatory - Growing up is optional.

Forget the health foods, we need all the preservatives we can get.

When I finally got my head together, my body fell apart.

It is bad to suppress laughter, it just goes back down inside and spreads to your hips.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Time can be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Why, when we hang something in our closet for a while, does it shrink two sizes?

In youth, absence of pleasure is pain; in old age, absence of pain is pleasure.